I have been on hold this week with a case of vertigo. Which is totally unusual for me. I have been very blessed to have great health. Which also means I am one of those people who never goes to the doctor. Bad I know.
I started with the dizziness on Tuesday morning and ended up in the ER by noon. My only focus, this has to be better by the end of the week because Brett and I were headed on vacation to the beach. How shallow is that? But that was really the only thing on my mind.
As the week went along and I still wasn't able to stand without stumbling around it became apparent we were not heading south.
I was upset by this. I felt cheated. I mean we work hard all year long it seemed only "fair" that we were able to take a week and enjoy some down time. I felt like I was being "denied" something that belonged to me. Seeing it in writing looks even worse than it sounded in my head. But, those were my thoughts. As shallow as they are they are honest.
Today I got in for a Dr's appointment and they sent me for an MRI. Kudos to Dr. Brown's office. Since I hadn't been to the doctor for 4 or 5 years my office considered me a new patient and couldn't get me in till next week. Dr, Brown's office worked me in and they were all great. So a big thanks to them.
But, as I was sitting by Brett waiting to go back for the MRI a lot of thoughts started running through my head. I sat there thinking hundreds of people sit in these chairs each month. People like me going about their lives with everything running smooth. Just like me they are sitting here thinking this is just a precaution to rule out anything major.
Then I realized for some of those hundreds of people their lives change in an instant. One word changes their life forever. I sat their thinking what if I am sitting here before going in and my biggest concern this week is it isn't fair if I don't get to go on vacation? What if I am sitting here with Brett and this is the last "normal" conversation we have?
If I walk through those doors and my normal mundane live changes? God would I still honor you? Would my actions glorify you with trust no matter the outcome? For one minute I wanted to get up and walk out. Going along not knowing was better than the alternative. Then the woman walked out and said are you ready?
I went back for the MRI and spent that 30 minutes thanking God for the blessings he so richly and abundantly pours over my life. The 30 minutes was not nearly enough time I didn't even get half way through.
Thankfully my tests results came back normal. I still have the dizziness and can't walk straight but it is improving. When I first started having the dizziness I told Brett I would do better if this were pain I am pretty good at mind over mattering pain, but I can't mind over matter this. Pretty sure that's why the room is spinning God knows I can't stop that on my own. He gives us things out of our control so we will count on Him.
So, Brett and I are not headed to the beach but God knew that, because for the first time ever we bought travelers insurance so a full refund on our reservation. But, Brett and I are also not headed down a journey of unspeakable life change. Thank you God for your mercy and grace everyday.
Isaiah 41:13 "For I, The Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you."
Friday, April 25, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Sweet Watermelon
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So, here it is the end of March. Spring has been on the calendar for about a week. The grass is getting greener, the weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer. It really is starting to feel like maybe old man winter has retired for another year. Though I am not holding my breathe just quite yet.
While in the grocery store this weekend I saw watermelons on a pallet. A sure sign of Spring right? They were outrageously priced. However, they looked so green, so tantalizing, so tempting. For someone who loves watermelon I couldn't resist. I bought one and brought it home.
For me watermelons are a connection to a good memory. I can remember sitting outside at my Grandma's house on a quilt on the ground, with family all around. The sweet aroma of that precious fruit when it was first split open. The beautiful bright red color of the fruit full of black and white seeds. I can remember eating it right from the rind, spitting the seeds on the ground, and the sweet juice running down my chin. The stickiness on my face and hands, running all the way down my arms.
Is the memory blown out of proportion? Or are watermelons just not as good anymore? In the last few years I have only gotten maybe one really good watermelon. One that measured up to my memory of them from childhood.
I have a theory on this. The sweetness of the watermelons comes from the seeds. Since we have taken out the seeds they are not as good anymore. The color is a pale pink instead of bright red. The firmness has been replaced by an over ripe softness. And most depressing the flavor is lacking in sweetness and juice.
We have taken out those pesky seeds that were such a pain in our butt. But in making our life easier, we have taken away the beauty and the sweetness of the fruit. I think that happens sometimes in life. When we remove the things that are a pain in our butt, we take away some of the sweetness. We take away from the joy and accomplishment of having completed something that was hard. There was something about taking a bite and determining what was fruit and spitting out the seeds. There is a satisfaction in spitting out seeds, the same way there is a satisfaction in determining what is good in our lives and what we should spit out.
I will continue to buy watermelons and search for that taste and sweet treat from my childhood. But, I am going to be on the hunt for watermelons with seeds. I am OK with the nuisance of picking out the seeds if it brings the sweetness I remember.
Psalm 119:103 "How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey."
Monday, December 16, 2013
The Best Birth Story Ever.
Luke 2: 6 & 7
"And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them."
Normally I don't listen to Christmas music. If you have followed my blog at all, you know how odd that is. Music is very powerful to me and a venue God uses often to speak to my heart. Many turning points in my life are marked by a song. I have a song title tattooed on my foot for goodness sake......but I don't listen to Christmas music?? I have one favorite Christmas song, How Many Kings. I could listen to it over and over. So, why the day after Thanksgiving, when my favorite radio station, WBGL switches to Christmas music do I switch the station til after Christmas????? I am really not sure, but I usually do.
When I shared that at a recent hometeam meeting my friend Kim said, "I can't believe that from you, of all people". So, I decided to listen this year to not change stations. I have been totally surprised. There are a ton of great Christmas songs out there. Many with a message that spoke to my heart. But more than that God began to speak to my heart.
As I listened to song after song I began to focus on the true Christmas story. I began to think about Mary and Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men, Herod, and the baby boy. They all began to come alive for me. I began to try and picture what it must have truly been like. Can you imagine what Mary's top 10 things about her birth story would be?? Won't it be neat one day to hear about the most famous birth ever, from the most famous mama ever?
But something else began to become apparent. I realized how much I separate Jesus and Christ. Just like the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are three in one. I began to realize that Jesus and Christ are two in one. I see Jesus as the tiny, beautiful, perfect, baby boy born in the manger. I see him as a sign of hope, a promise, a beginning, something pure, precious, and innocent.
But that baby seems so far removed from the man, Christ. The man who took on my sins and yours on the cross. In my eyes there is nothing sweet, or innocent about the cross. It represents an ugly, horrific, horrible death scene. It represents all the ugliness of human kind in one spot. As far from innocent as you can get. Except, that He, Christ was a perfect, sinless, innocent man. I began to notice that when I speak of the manger I refer to him as Jesus. When I speak of the cross I refer to him as Christ. I had compartmentalized them as two different people but they are one in the same.
I was recently asked the question "which is more important, the birth or the cross?" I think the answer is; just like you can't separate the trinity, you can't separate the two. The birth of "Jesus" in the manger, and the death of "Christ" on the cross gives us Jesus Christ. His life is a precious, beautiful, innocent, glorious story from start to finish.
So, I hope each time you hear the Christmas story, or see a nativity scene this season, you will reflect for just a minute on the WHOLE story. On what the true meaning of this precious baby boy means for each and every one of us. Life eternal.
"And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them."
Normally I don't listen to Christmas music. If you have followed my blog at all, you know how odd that is. Music is very powerful to me and a venue God uses often to speak to my heart. Many turning points in my life are marked by a song. I have a song title tattooed on my foot for goodness sake......but I don't listen to Christmas music?? I have one favorite Christmas song, How Many Kings. I could listen to it over and over. So, why the day after Thanksgiving, when my favorite radio station, WBGL switches to Christmas music do I switch the station til after Christmas????? I am really not sure, but I usually do.
When I shared that at a recent hometeam meeting my friend Kim said, "I can't believe that from you, of all people". So, I decided to listen this year to not change stations. I have been totally surprised. There are a ton of great Christmas songs out there. Many with a message that spoke to my heart. But more than that God began to speak to my heart.
As I listened to song after song I began to focus on the true Christmas story. I began to think about Mary and Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men, Herod, and the baby boy. They all began to come alive for me. I began to try and picture what it must have truly been like. Can you imagine what Mary's top 10 things about her birth story would be?? Won't it be neat one day to hear about the most famous birth ever, from the most famous mama ever?
But something else began to become apparent. I realized how much I separate Jesus and Christ. Just like the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are three in one. I began to realize that Jesus and Christ are two in one. I see Jesus as the tiny, beautiful, perfect, baby boy born in the manger. I see him as a sign of hope, a promise, a beginning, something pure, precious, and innocent.
But that baby seems so far removed from the man, Christ. The man who took on my sins and yours on the cross. In my eyes there is nothing sweet, or innocent about the cross. It represents an ugly, horrific, horrible death scene. It represents all the ugliness of human kind in one spot. As far from innocent as you can get. Except, that He, Christ was a perfect, sinless, innocent man. I began to notice that when I speak of the manger I refer to him as Jesus. When I speak of the cross I refer to him as Christ. I had compartmentalized them as two different people but they are one in the same.
I was recently asked the question "which is more important, the birth or the cross?" I think the answer is; just like you can't separate the trinity, you can't separate the two. The birth of "Jesus" in the manger, and the death of "Christ" on the cross gives us Jesus Christ. His life is a precious, beautiful, innocent, glorious story from start to finish.
So, I hope each time you hear the Christmas story, or see a nativity scene this season, you will reflect for just a minute on the WHOLE story. On what the true meaning of this precious baby boy means for each and every one of us. Life eternal.
MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Sapp household!!!!!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Priorities
It's been awhile since I have blogged, and part of that is probably due to priorities. When my priorities are in order then my relationship with God is my number one priority. When that is in place then God is speaking, or maybe it's more when that is in place then I am taking time to listen.
So often I hear people say, I wish God would speak to me. I am beginning to realize He does speak. We just aren't listening. He doesn't force his way and He doesn't yell, so most times we just don't hear him.
Recently, my good friend Kim sent me an email saying pray for me I am stepping down from worship ministry. I can't continue to give God my left overs. Now, I am sad to say my very first reaction was to judge her decision. She's great at worship, she loves music and I just wasn't sure this was something she should be giving up. But, I quickly realized that she would not have made the decision lightly and it probably came with some pain and heart ache for her. I jokingly call her my minni me. So, I knew in making this decision she was probably struggling with questions like, who am I letting down? Am I letting God down? So, I started praying that God would honor her decision about her priorities, and that she would have a peace about it with no guilt.
It's a funny thing how God works. As I was praying for this sweet sisters priorities God began to say "what about yours?" I confidently responded mine are fine. Relationship with God, relationship with Brett, family and friends, ministry, and work. Perfect order. God said do your actions support that? Well if he's asking then of course they probably don't. So, I began to examine my last couple of weeks. I had started writing my own bible study lessons for Wednesday night and it was taking 2 or 3 nights a week. Time I wasn't spending with Brett. There had been a couple of mornings there were some work issues before I went in, and I had worked on those and passed up my morning time of bible reading. Time I wasn't spending with God. The two bottom things on my priority list were taking priority over my top two.
So, I sent an email to my friend Kim and first asked her to forgive me for judging her decision for even a minute. (A Celebrate Recovery step totally out of my comfort zone, inventory your actions and make amends). I told her God was using it all as I lesson for me, and I ask if I could use her name to blog. I also asked her if she would please start praying for my priorities? She sent back an email saying of course, and she said you are the one who told me you can't give God your left overs. Hate it when your own advice comes back to haunt you.
So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I should give up my bible study, or my job? No, it just means I need to re examine where my time is going. How much time am I spending on facebook or watching TV? Those things are not even on my priority list. Those are the things I should be reducing when my schedule starts to fill up.
I came in contact this month with someone who was sitting by the bedside of a parent waiting for them to die, someone who was in a custody battle for a child, someone whose teenager had ran away, someone who was in the hospital waiting for test results, someone who was going before a judge to find out how many years they would be going to prison. If these were things I were facing would my priorities change?
We are given so many hours every day, and we are accountable to God for every minute. My prayer is that I make each of those minutes count.
Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
How are your priorities???
So often I hear people say, I wish God would speak to me. I am beginning to realize He does speak. We just aren't listening. He doesn't force his way and He doesn't yell, so most times we just don't hear him.
Recently, my good friend Kim sent me an email saying pray for me I am stepping down from worship ministry. I can't continue to give God my left overs. Now, I am sad to say my very first reaction was to judge her decision. She's great at worship, she loves music and I just wasn't sure this was something she should be giving up. But, I quickly realized that she would not have made the decision lightly and it probably came with some pain and heart ache for her. I jokingly call her my minni me. So, I knew in making this decision she was probably struggling with questions like, who am I letting down? Am I letting God down? So, I started praying that God would honor her decision about her priorities, and that she would have a peace about it with no guilt.
It's a funny thing how God works. As I was praying for this sweet sisters priorities God began to say "what about yours?" I confidently responded mine are fine. Relationship with God, relationship with Brett, family and friends, ministry, and work. Perfect order. God said do your actions support that? Well if he's asking then of course they probably don't. So, I began to examine my last couple of weeks. I had started writing my own bible study lessons for Wednesday night and it was taking 2 or 3 nights a week. Time I wasn't spending with Brett. There had been a couple of mornings there were some work issues before I went in, and I had worked on those and passed up my morning time of bible reading. Time I wasn't spending with God. The two bottom things on my priority list were taking priority over my top two.
So, I sent an email to my friend Kim and first asked her to forgive me for judging her decision for even a minute. (A Celebrate Recovery step totally out of my comfort zone, inventory your actions and make amends). I told her God was using it all as I lesson for me, and I ask if I could use her name to blog. I also asked her if she would please start praying for my priorities? She sent back an email saying of course, and she said you are the one who told me you can't give God your left overs. Hate it when your own advice comes back to haunt you.
So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I should give up my bible study, or my job? No, it just means I need to re examine where my time is going. How much time am I spending on facebook or watching TV? Those things are not even on my priority list. Those are the things I should be reducing when my schedule starts to fill up.
I came in contact this month with someone who was sitting by the bedside of a parent waiting for them to die, someone who was in a custody battle for a child, someone whose teenager had ran away, someone who was in the hospital waiting for test results, someone who was going before a judge to find out how many years they would be going to prison. If these were things I were facing would my priorities change?
We are given so many hours every day, and we are accountable to God for every minute. My prayer is that I make each of those minutes count.
Psalm 90:12 "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
How are your priorities???
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The Beat of My Heart
Anyone who has been following me for awhile knows I struggle with quiet time. Not time sitting down and reading my bible quiet time, but being still and silent quiet time. I think I have determined where some of that comes from, but that doesn't make it go away.
So, this morning I read the bible and just sat still for a little while. It was silent and totally quiet and I didn't freak out. I didn't run through 8 lists in my head. I didn't sit there thinking I should be up putting clothes in the washer, or rushing out the door to get to work. I didn't sit there thinking it's quiet, I am still, God should be speaking. Sometimes I think I get confused and think that's what quiet time has to be, God speaking. As if I am saying God I took 10 minutes to sit still You should speak to me now. I just soaked up the peacefulness of it. AND I LIKED IT.
Then it hit me this is what God wants me to find in this. PEACE. If I soak up enough of it, if I get comfortable with it, then in those times when my life is rushed I should be able to find that peace in my heart. On those days at work when 8 people are talking at once, the TV is on, and the phone is ringing off the hook I should be able to draw on that peace.
On days when things are not going the way I want them to, when it seems like there are more things to do than hours in the day. You know those days when you don't even take a full breathe. Those weeks when I don't have a single night at home. Those times when I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I should be able to find that place of peace because it should be in my heart. It should be rooted deeply there.
I was thinking through all of that on my way to work, and I thought about a song. You know me music, lyrics. However, this wasn't any grand christian song. It's actually a pop song from the 70's or maybe 80's. So, if you aren't in that second half of life or fast approaching it you probably won't even know the song. It is actually a song by Air Supply called "Making love out of Nothing at All". There is a line in the song that I love because it makes me think of Brett, but today it wasn't Brett I thought of.
The line goes "The beating of my heart is like a drum and it's lost and it's looking for a rhythm like you". I thought, that line matches my train of thought this morning. On those days like this morning when my heart gets it right and it finds that rhythm of God it's a perfect morning. When my heart finds that beat and beats in tune with God I find that peace that we all so desperately grave.
My son Chris is a drummer, and he has been told by more than one person that he has natural rhythm. We all have a natural rhythm where God is concerned. But, it's when I try and take over that the rhythm gets off beat. I don't think God intends for us to beat to our own drum. I think he wants us to beat to His. If I can learn to let my heart maintain that natural rhythm with God, and keep that steady beat, peace might be more consistent in my life. This is one of those areas where I am a slow learner, but I like the glimpses of what I see.
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you........"
So, this morning I read the bible and just sat still for a little while. It was silent and totally quiet and I didn't freak out. I didn't run through 8 lists in my head. I didn't sit there thinking I should be up putting clothes in the washer, or rushing out the door to get to work. I didn't sit there thinking it's quiet, I am still, God should be speaking. Sometimes I think I get confused and think that's what quiet time has to be, God speaking. As if I am saying God I took 10 minutes to sit still You should speak to me now. I just soaked up the peacefulness of it. AND I LIKED IT.
Then it hit me this is what God wants me to find in this. PEACE. If I soak up enough of it, if I get comfortable with it, then in those times when my life is rushed I should be able to find that peace in my heart. On those days at work when 8 people are talking at once, the TV is on, and the phone is ringing off the hook I should be able to draw on that peace.
On days when things are not going the way I want them to, when it seems like there are more things to do than hours in the day. You know those days when you don't even take a full breathe. Those weeks when I don't have a single night at home. Those times when I feel like I have nothing left to give anyone. I should be able to find that place of peace because it should be in my heart. It should be rooted deeply there.
I was thinking through all of that on my way to work, and I thought about a song. You know me music, lyrics. However, this wasn't any grand christian song. It's actually a pop song from the 70's or maybe 80's. So, if you aren't in that second half of life or fast approaching it you probably won't even know the song. It is actually a song by Air Supply called "Making love out of Nothing at All". There is a line in the song that I love because it makes me think of Brett, but today it wasn't Brett I thought of.
The line goes "The beating of my heart is like a drum and it's lost and it's looking for a rhythm like you". I thought, that line matches my train of thought this morning. On those days like this morning when my heart gets it right and it finds that rhythm of God it's a perfect morning. When my heart finds that beat and beats in tune with God I find that peace that we all so desperately grave.
My son Chris is a drummer, and he has been told by more than one person that he has natural rhythm. We all have a natural rhythm where God is concerned. But, it's when I try and take over that the rhythm gets off beat. I don't think God intends for us to beat to our own drum. I think he wants us to beat to His. If I can learn to let my heart maintain that natural rhythm with God, and keep that steady beat, peace might be more consistent in my life. This is one of those areas where I am a slow learner, but I like the glimpses of what I see.
John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you........"
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